Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
