I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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