I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
