it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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