Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize