Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
