i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
