i think my tv is drunk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
