it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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