I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
