why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
