Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
