Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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