Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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