i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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