The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
