He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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