This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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