My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize