Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
