What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
