He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
