Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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