i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
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i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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