Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
