Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
