Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
