My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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