This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
