My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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