I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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