people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
