there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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