he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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