You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
