How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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