This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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