final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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