I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I FOUND THE LEGS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
