first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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