I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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