you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
