Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This house was built for laser tag.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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