Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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