Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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