so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
