Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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