wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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