Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
