I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
