Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
