Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
