i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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